We mostly attract people with issues. People who are happy and content rarely join us. Thankfully for us, people with issues are found EVERYWHERE. This means we have people from hundreds of ethnic and language backgrounds, and we are united by cleverly enforced goals "suggested" in our publications. Those who question our leaders or any aspects of our leaders' Jehovah-fueled direction are eventually weeded out (read: brought before a kangaroo court made up of 3 men with limited intelligence and judged to have made Jehovah very sad and so, must be executed, spiritually speaking). Above all, we are required to promote Jehovah, the name we prefer to use to identify the God of the Bible and the mythical spirit in the sky whom we mindlessly believe made all things. We do not read sciencey books on evolution or anything critical of our worldview because it could easily destroy our fragile faith. We limit research of other religions and science to the pages of our cult's website and publications. We do our best to imitate the fictional and magical character Jesus Christ and are proud door-knockers, even if others think we are Weird Religious Nuts. Each of us is required to spend time pestering unsuspecting folk to convert to our highly controlled way of life. We do this by creating a fairytale world we like to call 'God’s Kingdom' and then we record how many hours we spend writing or talking to people about our cult and we send this holy data to our inglorious leaders each month. Because we witness, or never shut up about Jehovah: Jehovah this, Jehovah that, Jehovah God, our God Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah; we are known as Jehovah’s Witnesses.
This is a parody homepage but you can explore our real life cult website by clicking on any of the links you see here. Read our own cult Bible online. Learn more about how we break apart families by practising an extreme form of shunning.